honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
ugly people sure do ruin things
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
