I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
