I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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