He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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