Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
