Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
