i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
