Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
