I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
