Tell her she can't have a vagina
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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