i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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