just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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