Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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