Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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