theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.