if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.