I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about