just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
