I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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