i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
