Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
