he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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