if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
should my penis look like a turkey
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
