My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
