I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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