i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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