The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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