How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dear god my vagina.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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