My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
