she woke up with a sticky ear
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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