I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
