Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
