a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
