I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
