FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
