I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Is it penis luge time yet?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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