totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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