me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
