Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
