I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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