I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
