not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
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It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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