and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
