Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
