I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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