Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
