My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
