oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
