Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
