i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
