Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
