I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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