What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
