My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
