Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Randomize
