I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
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Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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