I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
