My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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